Voices In My Head
by Another Writer Who Loves
Summary: The beginning of season 14 finds Sam trying his best to find his brother, along with the helpful and not so helpful voices in his head manifesting and talking to him.
1. Chapter 1

_"Enough! There will be no new King of Hell. Not today. Not ever. And if anybody wants the job, you can come through me. Understood?"_

 _"If it meant finding Dean, I-I'd... work with... I'd do anything."_

The words echoed through Sams head as he walked back towards his room, lost in his thoughts.

He meant what he had said, every last word of it. If it meant getting Dean back he would be willing to do anything, willing to sacrifice anything that needed to be done.

The last time he had that thought, the last time he had damned himself in the same way in the name of getting his brother back, he had gotten hooked on demon blood and ended up releasing Lucifer.

 _"There will be no king of hell."_

 _"You can come through me."_

Sam closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, mercifully finally getting to his room and closing the door behind him. He leaned back against it for a moment to breathe slowly, counting his breaths and the seconds he held it in and then let it out before he moved to his desk.

He glanced tiredly over the desk, the mess of papers and books, crossed out notes and his laptop open still. He pressed a button just to see the screen come up and shook his head, turning it off.

There was no point at the moment, he hadn't found a single thing the entire time and he could feel every single bit that the demons tried to beat into him. He opened one of his drawers and pulled out a bottle of pain killers. He opened it and frowned when he peered into it, it was less than half empty and he could have sworn he had more.

He didn't want to think about someone possibly coming into his room and going through his things, despite how a corner of his mind told him he should find a better way to keep his door locked from the others. Pushing it to the side he shook out a pill onto his palm, he didn't want to risk more than one, and dry swallowed it, forcing himself to ignore the dry taste that remained.

Moving slowly he changed out of his outfit into a simple shirt and boxers, laying down slowly on the bed and automatically knowing that despite how tired he was, he wasn't going to get to sleep.

 _"There will be no new King of Hell. Not today. Not ever. And if anybody wants the job, you can come through me."_

 _"Understood?"_

"Y'know, its not that bad of an idea."

Sam turned his head towards the source of the words. Ruby laid there on her side, wearing one of his shirts and drowning in it, a hint of lingerie peering out where the sleeve was pushed down to reveal her shoulder.

"Its not that bad of an idea." she repeated, head in her hand as she stared at him. "Being king of hell, its what Azazel wanted for you."

Sam turned onto his side to look at her as well, his eyes following the flow of her hair to the way her eyes were staring at him. "Azazel wanted me to lead hells armies for Lucifer to take over, but it all lead to me being Lucifers vessel in the end."

"Not always, you needed to lead first and foremost before Lucifer could be freed." Ruby said, moving a bit closer to him. "Besides, not like its the first time you've thought about it. You thought about it plenty when we were together."

Those four months that Dean was in hell, at one of his lowest points Sam had almost obsessed with the idea of taking the crown and freeing his brother like that. He wasn't sure how close he had been to really trying it before heaven brought his brother back instead.

"Its not the right thing to do." Sam said instead. "Not anymore."

Ruby reached out to gently stroke his hair, her fingers running through the strands and carefully tugging free any knots that there were. Slowly her fingers drifted down to his lips.

Sam flicked his tongue out, tasting the dry salty taste of her skin, a taste of sulfur clear as well for a moment before it faded. He could feel the pulsation of the blood in her veins and remembered all too clearly how eagerly he had lapped at every cut she made or he made on her skin. How he had drank from her palms, her arms, her neck, her stomach.

Her thumb slowly stroked at his lower lip and when she moved to pull away he reached out and gently held it, moving to press his lips to her wrist.

"Its all yours." Ruby told him softly. "Its yours for the taking, all you have to do is take it."

Sam rubbed his own thumb over her, savoring the feeling for a moment, before he let go, letting her wrist fall to the bed between them.

"I went down that path once." he said quietly. "I can't handle doing that again, I can't go through that again."

Ruby looked like she had more to say but then thought better of it, laying down on the bed completely instead.

"You're strong Sam." she told him. "Stronger than anyone I know." She reached up for him and wrapped her arms around him, tugging him down until he was laying right next to her, he reached out with one arm and wrapped it around her waist, pulling her close. "If anyone can get Dean back, and do it right, its going to be you."

Sam swallowed and buried his face in her shoulder, breathing in her still familiar scent in deeply, feeling it touch a place he didn't want to acknowledge anymore. He could feel her hand in his hair once more, stroking at it and rubbing at his neck soothingly.

"I've always believed in you Sam." Ruby whispered to him. "Always."

He fell asleep like that, held in her arms, her hand in his hair and when he woke up the bed was empty and he could hear the others roaming around in the hallway.

 **I do not own Supernatural.**

 **33/365**

 **I do take requests so if you have requests you can send them to me.**


	2. Chapter 2

Sam watched Bobby, the other Bobby a corner of his mind reminded him, interrogate the vampire, feeling the pit in his stomach grow with each second. He wasn't sure how to feel how Bobby was all but already holding the machete to her throat every time she said something he didn't like.

She was scared, scared for her life and alone, she had lost her entire coven to Michael and whatever he was doing and he couldn't help but feel sorry for her, torn because he also wanted the information, any little bit that she could give them about Michael and his whereabouts.

He was willing to do anything that needed to be done, even if it meant endangering someone else, torturing them, getting whatever little bits of information that there is.

But this...this was leaving a severely bad taste in his mouth that he couldn't swallow away. She was sobbing, from pain from fear from loss, almost screaming every time Bobby would come closer to her with the machete in hand, lifting it towards her neck. She was terrified and traumatized and they were just making it worse.

He swallowed hard, changing a glance at his mom and Bobby, neither of them look conflicted in the least. Bobby would and possibly will easily chop her head off and send her to purgatory. Mary wouldn't care either, she had the same black and white look that Dean used to, supernatural beings were monsters and monsters needed to be killed. Simple and easy.

Sams eyes went to the girl once more, there were tears running down her face nonstop, her entire body was trembling, and he wasn't sure what was keeping her from collapsing entirely.

He wanted to tell Bobby to cool it, stop with the torture at the least. Talk to her, she would be willing to talk if it meant that they were going to avenge her coven, he was sure.

"You care too much."

Sam breathed out slowly, seeing from his peripheral vision himself, hair a bit longer and eyes a bit more empty.

"You care too much." he repeated, arms crossed and leaning in the doorway, staring right at him. "She knows something about Dean and Michael. You haven't had anything in ages and you want to take it easy on her?"

Sam tried not to pay attention, straightening slightly as he watched, not saying a word. He tried to ignore the knot that was forming in his stomach as he watched the vampire stumbling between her words as she tried to get it all out at once.

"I was willing to do whatever needed to be done, I was willing to sacrifice what I needed to sacrifice." he spat out. "I was a hunting machine. I was sharp. I was unstoppable."

He pushed off the door frame and walked towards Sam. "What are you now?" he demanded, voice getting lower. "You're so damn emotional that its getting the better of you. That its hindering you entirely to such a degree that you can't do a single thing."

Sam tried to focus on his breathing and on nothing else, barely even able to listen to the vampire as her voice shook and cracked over every other word.

"I told you, Sam. I told you, over and over again." he continued, Bobby and Marys voice fading into the distance as his mind filled with the voice of his other self. "You were better off being me. Not caring. Not hesitating. Not ripping yourself apart for everything."

He straightened up, breathing heavily, shaking his head, a look of almost mock disgust on his face, or as much disgust that he could muster. "Now you just fall on your face trying to not be me." he said. "Even when you know it would be better to not be you, even when you know that you need to take that extra step that you can no longer take. Even after everything you've seen and everything you know, you refuse to do what really matters and you refuse to see that you need to do something more."

Sam blinked and his eyes cleared as he saw Bobby move towards the vampire again, dimly hearing him say, "Thanks for all of it, you'll be seeing your coven soon." as well as the vampires, the girls, scream as she cowered, hands up and face pleading.

"Let her go." Sam said, feeling as if his voice was coming from a long distance. He cleared his throat to get it out clearer. "Let her go."

"Sam." Bobby started to say, a bit disgruntled at the thought of letting the vampire go. "You can't be-"

"She's been through enough." Sam said. "We don't need to add to it."

"Sam-" Mary started to say, taking a step towards her son.

"Let her go." he repeated. "We don't need to kill her, she'll live on animal blood." he told the girl who was nodding rapidly, tear paths on her cheeks clear even in the dim light. "We don't need to kill every supernatural being we see."

"She's a vampire." Bobby started to say.

"And we don't need to kill every single one, we kill the ones that kill humans." Sam said, his voice firming. "This isn't that kind of a world, they don't all need to die."

Bobby stared at him for another moment before he shook his head and slide his machete into its sheath once more. "Fine, but the next time she kills, its gonna be on you kid." he said.

Mary sighed but otherwise didn't say anything, doing the same to her weapon.

Sam nodded at the girl and swallowed. "Good luck." he said quietly, turning to lead the way out of the room.

"Sooner or later, you'll regret caring so much." his other self said quietly as he passed him. His head was bowed and he let out a small sigh, shaking his head before he turned to watch Sam go, his words still clear in his head. "And the sad thing is, you won't be able to stop."

 **I do not own Supernatural.**

 **34/365**

 **I do take requests so if you have requests you can send them to me.**


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